Species Faces Extinction in Local Environment

TNS News Service

Atchison
A stunning report released today indicates that a species that once thrived at Benedictine College is now facing possible extinction within the next two years.

Traditionalists (ius sententia), a species that has once been thriving at the Roman Catholic College, have taken a turn for the worse. It is reported that this species is suffering a sharp decline in population over the past three years in a newly filed study published by the famous research group, The BUNKER.

Researchers at The BUNKER, the center for the Biological Undertaker of New Kinds of Environmental Research, published report number 306 today, which states that Traditionalists have been suffering a loss of habitat, so much so that by the year 2010 the species will go extinct if no appropriate measures are taken.

Possible reasons for such a loss of habitat, according to this report, is a disregard for the General Instructions of the Roman Missal in favor of the very much opposed Liturgical Abuse by the human population settling in the college, as well as a domineering sense by the local Administrative Leaders.

One researcher, Dr. Gwendolyn Eleanor, Ph.D. commented on the report, saying that it was the sum of everyone’s fears.

“Many people have been saying that they have noticed that a lot of Traditionalists have gone into a sort of hiding. Therefore we started to run tests on the environment and found it lacking the basic needs for a Traditionalist to survive. For instance, under domineering human conditions, the Traditionalist which needs a pure environment can not function while unnatural changes are occurring to this environment.”

Dr. Eleanor said that many Traditionalists have migrated from the once pure environment at Benedictine College to a more favorable one.

“The most stunning part of our research is that we noticed that many of these species are forced into areas where it is impossible to function on the most basic of levels. Therefore, they are forced with two options: leave, or stay and face an impending destruction. There are a few that choose to stay, and it is painful for them. They are crippled by the overbearing lack of purity. That’s how the situation got as bad as it did.”

Another researcher at The BUNKER, Dr. Tyle Weigh S.T.D., speculates about other ways in which the species has become endangered.

“The Circuit phenomenon has played a big role. Basically, this starts as several people attacking the faith of this species. Then, as it grows, people poor pollutants, such as the Spirit of Vatican II and letters which force Traditionalists to attend certain abusive ceremonies, into the ecosystem. Eventually, because Traditionalists are not allowed to mate with pure Traditionalist ceremonies, and they become endangered.
“Furthermore,” Dr. Weigh comments, “the introduction of a new species, Life-Teens, (vita adulescens) endangers the Traditionalist population.”

However, there are some who refuse to accept the findings of this report.

Roger Liturb, a foreign exchange student from France presently studying at Benedictine College, believes this to be another effort by members of the organization, PETT (People for the Ethical Treatment of Traditionalists) to spread their radical ideas.

“The researchers have seemed to overlook the fact that many of the places where Traditionalists would thrive, such as Theology and Philosophy classes, have remained a healthy environment for Traditionalists. Furthermore, Latin classes have once again been reinstituted and have been overflowing. This is nothing more than a conspiracy theory.”

Another student, known only as P. Nit Batter, seems to agree.

“Look at how many Philosophy and Theology Majors we seem to have right now. These Traditionalists are thriving.”

However, like Report 306, members of PETT seem to disagree. One of these members is Stanley Benedict, has composed a book on Traditionalists, entitled The Meinrad Report.

“If you look at the basic functions of a Traditionalist, you’ll see that they need more than just a study of Philosophy, Theology, and Latin to survive. They are a delicate species that must be satisfied to grow.”

According to Dr. Eleanor, even though the species is delicate, it is not hard to set up an environment pleasing to a Traditionalist.

“It seems to be indicated that even if you strive for a perfect environment, and miss the mark barely, the species can grow. That’s the amazing thing about this species. Even though it is delicate, it seems to be understanding. Just a simple effort to help it along, will spark a comeback.”

Stanley Benedict agrees, and expresses a hope that there will be an effort to help support this species.

“We at PETT hope that the people at Benedictine College really strive for an environment worthy of Traditionalists. And I’m sure that we won’t be disappointed.”

Another interesting finding of Report 306 is that another species could possibly facing endangerment too. Common Sense (intelle gentia) seems to be a rarity at Benedictine College. The connection of the possible impending extinction of these two species is being explored but unknown at this time.

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