New Fad among Teenage Girls: Vampire Love

TNS News Service

Atchison
The research group known as “The BUNKER” have come up with a study on the romantic ties of teenage girls and young women to vampires.

A report known as “Report No. 1011” has been published this morning, indicating that a large population of young women have fallen in love with vampires.

Dr. Gwendolyn Eleanor, a scientist with BUNKER, has provided comments on the survey.

“Basically we noticed a trend of adolescent women to the species of the blood-sucking type. This was a bit foreign to the astute scientists as the BUNKER, so we decided to laboriously search for possible conclusions to these predicaments,” Dr. Eleanor said. “Our studies were most intense, since we did the most logical thing when conducting this research. We hypothesized and examined by a series of questions, many of these adolescent women. Basically, we interviewed them.”

Dr. Eleanor says that the findings were astounding. “We only interviewed one person who did not exhibit a romantic connection to any vampires.”

Sir Richard Brown, a London Researcher, commented on reasons why girls were falling in love with vampires.

“Vampires seem to have a lot of inhuman capabilities. For instance, they are superhumanly beautiful, superhumanly strong, and superhumanly moody. Of course these are just a few of the reasons why women love vampires.”

Dr. Eleanor is concerned with the results of the report.

“Hundreds of girls are falling in love with either creatures who don’t exist or even worse, creatures who do exist. These women don’t fully realize the danger behind falling in love with a vampire. Their superhuman strength can kill a human with one touch. Not to mention the obvious, they have an inborn scent of human blood and go frantic whenever they catch one scent of blood. Then, in the natural turn of events, they kill their prey by draining them of their blood.”

Sir Brown agreed with Dr. Eleanor, providing even more reasons why romantic love for vampires can be problems for women.

“Vampires are not the most stable of creatures, psychologically. Their constant mood swings are very intolerable. Furthermore, there have been several instances of vampires who have been known to stalk humans to feed off their blood. Imagine a former boyfriend who is more dangerous, and you have an accurate picture of a vampire.”
But countless others disagree that there is a valid concern for the well being of these women in love with vampires. In an interview with the TNS News Service, several anonymous young women expressed their disbelief that such problems existed.

One young woman commented, “Vampire males make humans males look like pigs. I mean, they have to exert a greater amount of self restraint to control their passions. Human males very often put themselves in situations and don’t even try to exert any amount of self control. At least vampires try. Furthermore, they have more capabilities than humans as well.”

Another young woman expounded enumerating the vampires’ qualities: “They are extremely handsome, do not pay attention to other women, are extremely handsome, can run at fast speeds, are extremely handsome, are superhumanly strong, are extremely handsome, have the ability to save you from death, and are extremely handsome.”

She also said that vampires were romantic, and told a story to prove her case. “I know of a friend who knew a friend who said that they woke up to a vampire in their closet, who was watching her sleep. When asked what he was doing, he said that he was watching her sleep because vampires don’t sleep and he found it fascinating.”

“My friend said that her friend said that he said that he wished that he could sleep so he could dream of her.” This woman commented. “Isn’t that romantic?”

It is unclear if there is clear evidence of the existence of vampires, or whether there are women who are dating vampires.

At press time, the only woman in Report 1011 who did not profess love for vampires could not be reached for comment.

© 2008 TNS News Service