TNS News Service
Atchison
A local man has written a book, predicting the response to his book.
Ty Regats, a local author, has written a book entitled The Response, looking into how people will respond to his book.
The book which is 400 pages long, has the reader captivated from the very first phrase.
"Many people think the purpose of a book is to entertain. This book will do so. Many think the purpose of a book is to inform. This book will do so. However, what many don't know, is that this book is not like other books. This book is prophetic."
Indeed, the book is prophetic. Laced inside it's paper pages are prophecies of how people will believe, or disbelieve the points in the book.
"Some will say that the book has not any prophetic powers. And to them, I say, that they are free to believe whatever error that they wish to believe."
When asked why he decided to write a book on such a topic, Ty had this to say:
"It was a seemingly novel idea. Plus, I wanted to be able to tell people who are ignorant of my prophetic powers, how they've been living in error. The best way is to lead them to believe they are wrong by actually showing them how I know what their reaction is before they read the book."
"The first 5 pages of the book describe my autobiography: how I came to realize my potential for prophecy," He said. "The next 5 pages give kind of a general response to my book. The final 390 pages give specific responses to people who will read my book."
Opening the book to page 292, he read the first line: "Claudia Montmorency: shock that I knew what her response to this book would be."
The book, recently published by Prophets Inc. is projected to hit the New York Bestseller List in the first week, both by the author, and by the books critics.
© TNS News Service
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Woman Doesn’t Find Attraction to Vampires
TNS News Service
Atchison
“This is a problem- I mean, isn't trust the foundation of a marriage? When you're constantly wondering if your boyfriend is going to consume you, it destroys that trust.”
With these words, Claudia Montmorency expressed a distaste towards vampires, a species that thousands of women are starting to find attractive. The only person to declare that she has not found vampires attractive, according to Report 1011, had this further to say of her distrust of vampires: “…I really don't understand the appeal. The thought of imminent danger looming in the back of my mind at all times would make it difficult for me to relax and enjoy his company- you never know when he's being nice to you, or when he's trying to trick you so that he can eat you. You'd be better off if you dated Chuck Norris.”
In an interview with TNS, Claudia Montmorency expounded on her aversion toward vampires which she explicitly stressed in the answers to the survey which became known as Report 1011, published by the research society known as the Biological Undertaker of New Kinds of Environmental Research, or BUNKER.
When asked about the vampires attractive looks, Miss Montmorency had this to say:
“While their magnificence is magnificent to behold, a couple of things keep me stranded. The perfection of their white teeth makes them shiny- when I look at their shiny teeth, I am reminded of their canines, and their thirst for my blood. Another efficient strategy is to close your eyes in their presence. Even if you don't do that, NEVER look directly into THEIR eyes! I have become more and more convinced that 90% of the attraction women feel when they look at them is due to their smouldering eyes- look away! If they ask what you are doing, all you have to say is that you are meditating on the depth of their words. It's not like they can read your mind.”
She added, “And by the way, isn't that another reason to dislike them? It seems more like they are putting a spell on you with their glittery good looks, rather than that you are falling in love with them. It makes me a little uneasy- and suspicious. That's why you should never date "attractive" guys”
In the report, many women expressed a favorable view of vampires because they have to exert more self control than their human, male counterparts. Miss Montmorency commented on this point, also.
“I do admire the vampires who follow the no-human diet and struggle so valiantly to preserve our safety (I am very grateful for this, I assure you) , this does not make them better than men. Actually, it seems a little ridiculous- how long are you going to tempt fate? If I had an overwhelming desire to slay YOU, you probably wouldn't want me around very much.”
“I guess what I'm saying is, they're finicky guys and all, and it's certainly noble- but if you really care for them, you'll avoid them to make it easier for them.”
Vampires, according to Report 1011, have been reported to have superhuman capabilities, such as strength, beauty, and even strong tendencies towards psychological mood swings and erratic behavior. Many girls have reported to love vampires for these superhuman capabilities. Miss Montmorency, on the other hand, does not.
“Loving a vampire for his moods swings?!?! I don't understand who they CAN appeal to. 'He's hot then he's cold, he's yes, then he's no. He's in, then he's out, he's up, then he's down. He's wrong when it's right, he's black and it's white...'" Then, composing herself from her dancing episode, Claudia said, "I want a little predictability!”
Many women do not agree with Miss Montmorency, however. One woman has expressed that she thought it was the vampires mood swings that gave them sort of an appeal.
“Just because vampires are a little unstable, does not mean that they lose their charm and their handsomeness.”
However, Miss Montmorency feels that a true relationship can not be fostered on this type of distrust.
“There's already no hope in the correlation, you never know when he loves you for your body, or for a snack, he's already potentially putting a spell on you with his fantastic good looks- and you can't even rely on a consistent mood! It's like bathing a baby in gravy!”
Like the researchers at the BUNKER, Miss Montmorency expressed a hope that this would enlighten people as to the dangers of falling in love with vampires.
“Hopefully this helps with your research, and my thoughts will open women's eyes to the dangers of vampiric romance. And I also hope that it brings peace on earth, as well as ends global hunger.”
To see the full transcript of the article click here
© 2008 TNS News Service
Atchison
“This is a problem- I mean, isn't trust the foundation of a marriage? When you're constantly wondering if your boyfriend is going to consume you, it destroys that trust.”
With these words, Claudia Montmorency expressed a distaste towards vampires, a species that thousands of women are starting to find attractive. The only person to declare that she has not found vampires attractive, according to Report 1011, had this further to say of her distrust of vampires: “…I really don't understand the appeal. The thought of imminent danger looming in the back of my mind at all times would make it difficult for me to relax and enjoy his company- you never know when he's being nice to you, or when he's trying to trick you so that he can eat you. You'd be better off if you dated Chuck Norris.”
In an interview with TNS, Claudia Montmorency expounded on her aversion toward vampires which she explicitly stressed in the answers to the survey which became known as Report 1011, published by the research society known as the Biological Undertaker of New Kinds of Environmental Research, or BUNKER.
When asked about the vampires attractive looks, Miss Montmorency had this to say:
“While their magnificence is magnificent to behold, a couple of things keep me stranded. The perfection of their white teeth makes them shiny- when I look at their shiny teeth, I am reminded of their canines, and their thirst for my blood. Another efficient strategy is to close your eyes in their presence. Even if you don't do that, NEVER look directly into THEIR eyes! I have become more and more convinced that 90% of the attraction women feel when they look at them is due to their smouldering eyes- look away! If they ask what you are doing, all you have to say is that you are meditating on the depth of their words. It's not like they can read your mind.”
She added, “And by the way, isn't that another reason to dislike them? It seems more like they are putting a spell on you with their glittery good looks, rather than that you are falling in love with them. It makes me a little uneasy- and suspicious. That's why you should never date "attractive" guys”
In the report, many women expressed a favorable view of vampires because they have to exert more self control than their human, male counterparts. Miss Montmorency commented on this point, also.
“I do admire the vampires who follow the no-human diet and struggle so valiantly to preserve our safety (I am very grateful for this, I assure you) , this does not make them better than men. Actually, it seems a little ridiculous- how long are you going to tempt fate? If I had an overwhelming desire to slay YOU, you probably wouldn't want me around very much.”
“I guess what I'm saying is, they're finicky guys and all, and it's certainly noble- but if you really care for them, you'll avoid them to make it easier for them.”
Vampires, according to Report 1011, have been reported to have superhuman capabilities, such as strength, beauty, and even strong tendencies towards psychological mood swings and erratic behavior. Many girls have reported to love vampires for these superhuman capabilities. Miss Montmorency, on the other hand, does not.
“Loving a vampire for his moods swings?!?! I don't understand who they CAN appeal to. 'He's hot then he's cold, he's yes, then he's no. He's in, then he's out, he's up, then he's down. He's wrong when it's right, he's black and it's white...'" Then, composing herself from her dancing episode, Claudia said, "I want a little predictability!”
Many women do not agree with Miss Montmorency, however. One woman has expressed that she thought it was the vampires mood swings that gave them sort of an appeal.
“Just because vampires are a little unstable, does not mean that they lose their charm and their handsomeness.”
However, Miss Montmorency feels that a true relationship can not be fostered on this type of distrust.
“There's already no hope in the correlation, you never know when he loves you for your body, or for a snack, he's already potentially putting a spell on you with his fantastic good looks- and you can't even rely on a consistent mood! It's like bathing a baby in gravy!”
Like the researchers at the BUNKER, Miss Montmorency expressed a hope that this would enlighten people as to the dangers of falling in love with vampires.
“Hopefully this helps with your research, and my thoughts will open women's eyes to the dangers of vampiric romance. And I also hope that it brings peace on earth, as well as ends global hunger.”
To see the full transcript of the article click here
© 2008 TNS News Service
TRANSCRIPT: Interview with Claudia Montmorency
TNS News Service
Atchison
The Transcript of the TNS Interview with Miss Claudia Montmorency, the only woman interviewed in BUNKER Report 1011 who displayed a distaste for vampires.
TNS: Why do you not have romantic feelings for vampires?
CM: Well, I really don't understand the appeal. The thought of imminent danger looming in the back of my mind at all times would make it difficult for me to relax and enjoy his company- you never know when he's being nice to you, or when he's trying to trick you so that he can eat you. This is a problem- I mean, isn't trust the foundation of a relationship? When you're constantly wondering if your boyfriend is going to eat you, it destroys that trust. Plus, they're too perfect. What woman wants to be with a man who is more pretty than she is?
TNS: Does it bother you that vampires have the strength to kill you with one touch?
CM: Absolutely. If it is an effort for him to use normal, non-lethal strength, then every moment I am with him is like playing Russian Roulette. Sooner or later, he'll forget, or slip up, and maybe that bear hug will become fatal. Maybe that innocent gesture as he tries to hold my hand will result in actually crushing every bone IN my hand. This is definitely not cool.
TNS: How are you able to withstand their beauty?
CM: This is a good question. While their beauty is magnificent to behold, a couple of things keep me grounded. The perfection of their white teeth makes them shiny- when I look at their shiny teeth, I am reminded of their canines, and their thirst for my blood. Another efficient strategy is to close your eyes in their presence. Even if you don't do that, NEVER look directly into THEIR eyes! I have become more and more convinced that 90% of the attraction women feel when they look at them is due to their smouldering eyes- look away!
And by the way, isn't that another reason to dislike them? It seems more like they are putting a spell on you with their dazzling good looks, rather than that you are falling in love with them. It makes me a little uneasy- and suspicious.
TNS: Do vampire mood swings not appeal to you?
CM: Is this question really necessary? I don't understand who they CAN appeal to. "He's hot then he's cold, he's yes, then he's no. He's in, then he's out, he's up, then he's down. He's wrong when it's right, he's black and it's white..." I want a little predictability!
There's already no trust in the relationship, you never know when he loves you for your soul, or for a snack, he's already potentially putting a spell on you with his fantastic good looks- and you can't even rely on a consistent mood! Come on! Isn't that just the last straw?
TNS: Would you agree with this statement, “Vampires are better than men because they have to exert more self control than men do”? If so why, and if not, why not?
CM: Absolutely not. While I do admire the vampires who follow the no-human diet and struggle so valiantly to preserve our safety (I am very grateful for this, I assure you) , this does not make them better than men. Actually, it seems a little ridiculous- how long are you going to tempt fate? If I had an overwhelming desire to kill YOU, you probably wouldn't want me around very much.
I guess what I'm saying is, they're nice guys and all, and it's certainly noble- but if you really care for them, you'll avoid them to make it easier for them.
© 2008 TNS News Service
Atchison
The Transcript of the TNS Interview with Miss Claudia Montmorency, the only woman interviewed in BUNKER Report 1011 who displayed a distaste for vampires.
TNS: Why do you not have romantic feelings for vampires?
CM: Well, I really don't understand the appeal. The thought of imminent danger looming in the back of my mind at all times would make it difficult for me to relax and enjoy his company- you never know when he's being nice to you, or when he's trying to trick you so that he can eat you. This is a problem- I mean, isn't trust the foundation of a relationship? When you're constantly wondering if your boyfriend is going to eat you, it destroys that trust. Plus, they're too perfect. What woman wants to be with a man who is more pretty than she is?
TNS: Does it bother you that vampires have the strength to kill you with one touch?
CM: Absolutely. If it is an effort for him to use normal, non-lethal strength, then every moment I am with him is like playing Russian Roulette. Sooner or later, he'll forget, or slip up, and maybe that bear hug will become fatal. Maybe that innocent gesture as he tries to hold my hand will result in actually crushing every bone IN my hand. This is definitely not cool.
TNS: How are you able to withstand their beauty?
CM: This is a good question. While their beauty is magnificent to behold, a couple of things keep me grounded. The perfection of their white teeth makes them shiny- when I look at their shiny teeth, I am reminded of their canines, and their thirst for my blood. Another efficient strategy is to close your eyes in their presence. Even if you don't do that, NEVER look directly into THEIR eyes! I have become more and more convinced that 90% of the attraction women feel when they look at them is due to their smouldering eyes- look away!
And by the way, isn't that another reason to dislike them? It seems more like they are putting a spell on you with their dazzling good looks, rather than that you are falling in love with them. It makes me a little uneasy- and suspicious.
TNS: Do vampire mood swings not appeal to you?
CM: Is this question really necessary? I don't understand who they CAN appeal to. "He's hot then he's cold, he's yes, then he's no. He's in, then he's out, he's up, then he's down. He's wrong when it's right, he's black and it's white..." I want a little predictability!
There's already no trust in the relationship, you never know when he loves you for your soul, or for a snack, he's already potentially putting a spell on you with his fantastic good looks- and you can't even rely on a consistent mood! Come on! Isn't that just the last straw?
TNS: Would you agree with this statement, “Vampires are better than men because they have to exert more self control than men do”? If so why, and if not, why not?
CM: Absolutely not. While I do admire the vampires who follow the no-human diet and struggle so valiantly to preserve our safety (I am very grateful for this, I assure you) , this does not make them better than men. Actually, it seems a little ridiculous- how long are you going to tempt fate? If I had an overwhelming desire to kill YOU, you probably wouldn't want me around very much.
I guess what I'm saying is, they're nice guys and all, and it's certainly noble- but if you really care for them, you'll avoid them to make it easier for them.
© 2008 TNS News Service
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Parish Church requests College Demolish Dormitories
TNS News Service
Atchison
The administration of St. Benedict’s Catholic Church in Atchison, Kansas, has requested that several dorms belonging to Benedictine College, be demolished in order to increase options for parking.
The parish leaders of St. Benedict’s Abbey issued a formal complaint with the college, stating that six buildings on campus prohibit parking for the parish, making members of the church have to walk at least a block or two, to get to the church.
Lenny Madison, a parishioner of St. Benedict’s Abbey describes the situation.
“Basically, we are requesting that six buildings on campus be demolished and the remains of the buildings be paved to provide parking for all of the parishioners of the Church.”
“The buildings we want destroyed are the following: Ferrell Hall, Bishop Fink Hall, St. Joseph Hall, Kremmeter Hall, Legacy Hall, and Wolf Halls.”
Mr. Madison noted that, while Kremmeter Hall, Legacy Hall, and Wolf Hall were recently constructed, their presence took up parking for the college.
“If we knew that the college was going to put halls up there, we would have petitioned earlier. However, who’d have thought that the college would just construct buildings without even considering where the parishioners of St. Benedict’s were going to park?”
Every member of the parish attributes the parking problems back to the school. Peggy Crist, another parishioner of St. Benedict’s Church, comments on how the school is interfering with the parking for the parish.
“First they send some of their visible students to Mass there, and the park in our parking lots. Then when we raise complaints they tell the visible ones to attend Mass at the Abbey, and neglect to tell the invisible ones. Then, they decide to write an invisible letter to the invisible students. However, the problem with the invisible letter is that invisible students can’t read the invisible handwriting, and the invisible spelling is atrocious. Therefore, there is only an increase in invisible students, who take up parking spaces. If it weren’t for the college we wouldn’t have been having these problems.”
“In fact, if they just got rid of Ferrell Hall and Kremmeter Hall, things would be fine, because students wouldn’t feel the need to park on the street, and we could increase the amount of parking spaces,” she said.
As of press time, the college was weighing the options. According to a press release, the college has no immediate plans of destroying any of the 6 buildings, but it is being considered as a big possibility. They expect to release a statement on the problem next week.
© 2008 TNS News Service
Atchison
The administration of St. Benedict’s Catholic Church in Atchison, Kansas, has requested that several dorms belonging to Benedictine College, be demolished in order to increase options for parking.
The parish leaders of St. Benedict’s Abbey issued a formal complaint with the college, stating that six buildings on campus prohibit parking for the parish, making members of the church have to walk at least a block or two, to get to the church.
Lenny Madison, a parishioner of St. Benedict’s Abbey describes the situation.
“Basically, we are requesting that six buildings on campus be demolished and the remains of the buildings be paved to provide parking for all of the parishioners of the Church.”
“The buildings we want destroyed are the following: Ferrell Hall, Bishop Fink Hall, St. Joseph Hall, Kremmeter Hall, Legacy Hall, and Wolf Halls.”
Mr. Madison noted that, while Kremmeter Hall, Legacy Hall, and Wolf Hall were recently constructed, their presence took up parking for the college.
“If we knew that the college was going to put halls up there, we would have petitioned earlier. However, who’d have thought that the college would just construct buildings without even considering where the parishioners of St. Benedict’s were going to park?”
Every member of the parish attributes the parking problems back to the school. Peggy Crist, another parishioner of St. Benedict’s Church, comments on how the school is interfering with the parking for the parish.
“First they send some of their visible students to Mass there, and the park in our parking lots. Then when we raise complaints they tell the visible ones to attend Mass at the Abbey, and neglect to tell the invisible ones. Then, they decide to write an invisible letter to the invisible students. However, the problem with the invisible letter is that invisible students can’t read the invisible handwriting, and the invisible spelling is atrocious. Therefore, there is only an increase in invisible students, who take up parking spaces. If it weren’t for the college we wouldn’t have been having these problems.”
“In fact, if they just got rid of Ferrell Hall and Kremmeter Hall, things would be fine, because students wouldn’t feel the need to park on the street, and we could increase the amount of parking spaces,” she said.
As of press time, the college was weighing the options. According to a press release, the college has no immediate plans of destroying any of the 6 buildings, but it is being considered as a big possibility. They expect to release a statement on the problem next week.
© 2008 TNS News Service
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
New Fad among Teenage Girls: Vampire Love
TNS News Service
Atchison
The research group known as “The BUNKER” have come up with a study on the romantic ties of teenage girls and young women to vampires.
A report known as “Report No. 1011” has been published this morning, indicating that a large population of young women have fallen in love with vampires.
Dr. Gwendolyn Eleanor, a scientist with BUNKER, has provided comments on the survey.
“Basically we noticed a trend of adolescent women to the species of the blood-sucking type. This was a bit foreign to the astute scientists as the BUNKER, so we decided to laboriously search for possible conclusions to these predicaments,” Dr. Eleanor said. “Our studies were most intense, since we did the most logical thing when conducting this research. We hypothesized and examined by a series of questions, many of these adolescent women. Basically, we interviewed them.”
Dr. Eleanor says that the findings were astounding. “We only interviewed one person who did not exhibit a romantic connection to any vampires.”
Sir Richard Brown, a London Researcher, commented on reasons why girls were falling in love with vampires.
“Vampires seem to have a lot of inhuman capabilities. For instance, they are superhumanly beautiful, superhumanly strong, and superhumanly moody. Of course these are just a few of the reasons why women love vampires.”
Dr. Eleanor is concerned with the results of the report.
“Hundreds of girls are falling in love with either creatures who don’t exist or even worse, creatures who do exist. These women don’t fully realize the danger behind falling in love with a vampire. Their superhuman strength can kill a human with one touch. Not to mention the obvious, they have an inborn scent of human blood and go frantic whenever they catch one scent of blood. Then, in the natural turn of events, they kill their prey by draining them of their blood.”
Sir Brown agreed with Dr. Eleanor, providing even more reasons why romantic love for vampires can be problems for women.
“Vampires are not the most stable of creatures, psychologically. Their constant mood swings are very intolerable. Furthermore, there have been several instances of vampires who have been known to stalk humans to feed off their blood. Imagine a former boyfriend who is more dangerous, and you have an accurate picture of a vampire.”
But countless others disagree that there is a valid concern for the well being of these women in love with vampires. In an interview with the TNS News Service, several anonymous young women expressed their disbelief that such problems existed.
One young woman commented, “Vampire males make humans males look like pigs. I mean, they have to exert a greater amount of self restraint to control their passions. Human males very often put themselves in situations and don’t even try to exert any amount of self control. At least vampires try. Furthermore, they have more capabilities than humans as well.”
Another young woman expounded enumerating the vampires’ qualities: “They are extremely handsome, do not pay attention to other women, are extremely handsome, can run at fast speeds, are extremely handsome, are superhumanly strong, are extremely handsome, have the ability to save you from death, and are extremely handsome.”
She also said that vampires were romantic, and told a story to prove her case. “I know of a friend who knew a friend who said that they woke up to a vampire in their closet, who was watching her sleep. When asked what he was doing, he said that he was watching her sleep because vampires don’t sleep and he found it fascinating.”
“My friend said that her friend said that he said that he wished that he could sleep so he could dream of her.” This woman commented. “Isn’t that romantic?”
It is unclear if there is clear evidence of the existence of vampires, or whether there are women who are dating vampires.
At press time, the only woman in Report 1011 who did not profess love for vampires could not be reached for comment.
© 2008 TNS News Service
Atchison
The research group known as “The BUNKER” have come up with a study on the romantic ties of teenage girls and young women to vampires.
A report known as “Report No. 1011” has been published this morning, indicating that a large population of young women have fallen in love with vampires.
Dr. Gwendolyn Eleanor, a scientist with BUNKER, has provided comments on the survey.
“Basically we noticed a trend of adolescent women to the species of the blood-sucking type. This was a bit foreign to the astute scientists as the BUNKER, so we decided to laboriously search for possible conclusions to these predicaments,” Dr. Eleanor said. “Our studies were most intense, since we did the most logical thing when conducting this research. We hypothesized and examined by a series of questions, many of these adolescent women. Basically, we interviewed them.”
Dr. Eleanor says that the findings were astounding. “We only interviewed one person who did not exhibit a romantic connection to any vampires.”
Sir Richard Brown, a London Researcher, commented on reasons why girls were falling in love with vampires.
“Vampires seem to have a lot of inhuman capabilities. For instance, they are superhumanly beautiful, superhumanly strong, and superhumanly moody. Of course these are just a few of the reasons why women love vampires.”
Dr. Eleanor is concerned with the results of the report.
“Hundreds of girls are falling in love with either creatures who don’t exist or even worse, creatures who do exist. These women don’t fully realize the danger behind falling in love with a vampire. Their superhuman strength can kill a human with one touch. Not to mention the obvious, they have an inborn scent of human blood and go frantic whenever they catch one scent of blood. Then, in the natural turn of events, they kill their prey by draining them of their blood.”
Sir Brown agreed with Dr. Eleanor, providing even more reasons why romantic love for vampires can be problems for women.
“Vampires are not the most stable of creatures, psychologically. Their constant mood swings are very intolerable. Furthermore, there have been several instances of vampires who have been known to stalk humans to feed off their blood. Imagine a former boyfriend who is more dangerous, and you have an accurate picture of a vampire.”
But countless others disagree that there is a valid concern for the well being of these women in love with vampires. In an interview with the TNS News Service, several anonymous young women expressed their disbelief that such problems existed.
One young woman commented, “Vampire males make humans males look like pigs. I mean, they have to exert a greater amount of self restraint to control their passions. Human males very often put themselves in situations and don’t even try to exert any amount of self control. At least vampires try. Furthermore, they have more capabilities than humans as well.”
Another young woman expounded enumerating the vampires’ qualities: “They are extremely handsome, do not pay attention to other women, are extremely handsome, can run at fast speeds, are extremely handsome, are superhumanly strong, are extremely handsome, have the ability to save you from death, and are extremely handsome.”
She also said that vampires were romantic, and told a story to prove her case. “I know of a friend who knew a friend who said that they woke up to a vampire in their closet, who was watching her sleep. When asked what he was doing, he said that he was watching her sleep because vampires don’t sleep and he found it fascinating.”
“My friend said that her friend said that he said that he wished that he could sleep so he could dream of her.” This woman commented. “Isn’t that romantic?”
It is unclear if there is clear evidence of the existence of vampires, or whether there are women who are dating vampires.
At press time, the only woman in Report 1011 who did not profess love for vampires could not be reached for comment.
© 2008 TNS News Service
Monday, September 8, 2008
Invisible Students Pose Problem for Local Church
TNS News Service
Atchison
A local Catholic Church has been overrun with what some describe as an infestation of invisible college students.
St. Benedict’s Parish in Atchison, Kansas, has had a few unwelcome guests at their local Sunday Masses at 10:30 in the morning. One parishioner, Lenny Madison describes the Church’s new visitors as “unwelcome.”
“They take up all the parking spots, all of the pews, and they sing way too softly. They shouldn’t be there.”
Yesterday, according to some parishioners, the invisible students parked in the small parking lot right in front of the church, forcing parishioners to walk to Mass from a block away. This, as well as the number of students participating in the Mass, prompted many parishioners to skip Mass.
“Why do I need to go to a Church filled with invisible people? If they are not going to be hospitable and allow me to park where I want to, why should I go to Mass?” Mr. Madison commented.
Peggy Crist suggests that maybe the college do something about the number of invisible people at the 10:30 Mass.
“They wrote a letter for the visible students, explaining that they were taking up parking spaces and pew space, and we didn’t have that problem anymore. Now, I think they should do the same for the invisible students.”
It is a fact that the student population at the parish Masses has decreased significantly at the parish Masses, and that only a small handful are driving the “half-block commute” to park in the parish parking lot. However, the number of invisible students has remained steady.
“They have their own Mass and we have ours,” Mr. Madison commented. “It’s just like the Jews in Biblical times. They worshipped in Jerusalem, while the Samaritans worshipped somewhere else. That’s how it should be.”
The Benedictine College Ministry has said that they are planning on posting an invisible letter on the invisible billboard in the Church to the invisible students as to where would be the most acceptable place to worship.
© TNS News Service
Atchison
A local Catholic Church has been overrun with what some describe as an infestation of invisible college students.
St. Benedict’s Parish in Atchison, Kansas, has had a few unwelcome guests at their local Sunday Masses at 10:30 in the morning. One parishioner, Lenny Madison describes the Church’s new visitors as “unwelcome.”
“They take up all the parking spots, all of the pews, and they sing way too softly. They shouldn’t be there.”
Yesterday, according to some parishioners, the invisible students parked in the small parking lot right in front of the church, forcing parishioners to walk to Mass from a block away. This, as well as the number of students participating in the Mass, prompted many parishioners to skip Mass.
“Why do I need to go to a Church filled with invisible people? If they are not going to be hospitable and allow me to park where I want to, why should I go to Mass?” Mr. Madison commented.
Peggy Crist suggests that maybe the college do something about the number of invisible people at the 10:30 Mass.
“They wrote a letter for the visible students, explaining that they were taking up parking spaces and pew space, and we didn’t have that problem anymore. Now, I think they should do the same for the invisible students.”
It is a fact that the student population at the parish Masses has decreased significantly at the parish Masses, and that only a small handful are driving the “half-block commute” to park in the parish parking lot. However, the number of invisible students has remained steady.
“They have their own Mass and we have ours,” Mr. Madison commented. “It’s just like the Jews in Biblical times. They worshipped in Jerusalem, while the Samaritans worshipped somewhere else. That’s how it should be.”
The Benedictine College Ministry has said that they are planning on posting an invisible letter on the invisible billboard in the Church to the invisible students as to where would be the most acceptable place to worship.
© TNS News Service
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Secret Meeting of Ministers as Situation Worsens
TNS News Service
Atchison
A secret meeting of Campus Ministers involved with Music Ministry occurred yesterday as Traditionalist population continues to decline.
The Benedictine College Ministry of Music met yesterday in the St. Benedict Abbey Crypt. This secret meeting is said to play a significant role in the population control of Traditionalists.
Members of PETT, People for the Ethical Treatment of Traditionalists, camped out in front of the Abbey in order to show their support for the Traditionalists.
One such member, Jeremy Canon described the scene.
“It was very interesting. There was a Traditionalist standing outside the Abbey while the Music Ministers walked into the Abbey. We watched as several of these people came in actually wearing anti-Traditionalist t-shirts. The poor thing, you could tell, was confused and a little hurt at what he was witnessing.”
“This situation has been described by prominent scientists as desperate,” he commented. “I was sure hoping that maybe something positive may have come about at this meeting, but from the outset, it didn’t look like that was going to be the case.”
Earlier in the week, a research group named “The BUNKER” published report 306 which stated that Traditionalists were on a decline. This prompted members of a group, known as P.E.T.T. to start a campaign to encourage support for Traditionalists.
The Benedictine College Ministry of Music did not comment on what was said at this secret meeting, due to the fact that it was supposed to be kept secret.
2008 © TNS News Service
Atchison
A secret meeting of Campus Ministers involved with Music Ministry occurred yesterday as Traditionalist population continues to decline.
The Benedictine College Ministry of Music met yesterday in the St. Benedict Abbey Crypt. This secret meeting is said to play a significant role in the population control of Traditionalists.
Members of PETT, People for the Ethical Treatment of Traditionalists, camped out in front of the Abbey in order to show their support for the Traditionalists.
One such member, Jeremy Canon described the scene.
“It was very interesting. There was a Traditionalist standing outside the Abbey while the Music Ministers walked into the Abbey. We watched as several of these people came in actually wearing anti-Traditionalist t-shirts. The poor thing, you could tell, was confused and a little hurt at what he was witnessing.”
“This situation has been described by prominent scientists as desperate,” he commented. “I was sure hoping that maybe something positive may have come about at this meeting, but from the outset, it didn’t look like that was going to be the case.”
Earlier in the week, a research group named “The BUNKER” published report 306 which stated that Traditionalists were on a decline. This prompted members of a group, known as P.E.T.T. to start a campaign to encourage support for Traditionalists.
The Benedictine College Ministry of Music did not comment on what was said at this secret meeting, due to the fact that it was supposed to be kept secret.
2008 © TNS News Service
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